The Titan's Two Holes
by Recon Corps Sergeant
Summary: Eren is taken hostage by a rogue titan with intelligence that trumps that of the mysterious ape titan ... will Levi be able to save the enigmatic young man? Grisha returns at an unfortunate time with the secret of the titans, and struggles to be heard in Erwin and Levi's absence.


Hello everyone! This is actually my first venture into writing fanfiction, and I'm new to Attack on Titan as well, so I hope you can have some mercy if this isn't quite perfect ;; I know you minna-san are such incredible writers, and I know so little in comparison ... oh well, there's no harm in getting better, right? ;; I hope you enjoy my first fanfic, _The Titan's Two Holes._

**Chapter One**

It was another beautiful day in Shiganshina. Eduh had grown to love everything about his hometown - the placid life of a peasant, the chiming of children's laughter at play, the lushness of the meadow and the foam of malt beer - and was spending another day with his sister, Mikasa. To the untrained eye this may have seemed like any other day; but Eduh had a twinkle in his eye, and knew this day was quite extraordinary indeed. Mikasa, wise for her age and attuned to Eduh's delicate sensibilities, suspected something but was unable to draw any certain conclusions.

Eduh scurried away, deep into the underbrush, grazing the top of his curly mop on the brambles. Mikasa took care not to snag her scarf on the thistles and kept pace, albeit impatiently.

"Eduh, why are we heading so far south? What business could you possibly have near the borders of our lands." It was more of a statement than a question; resolute in the frivolity of their adventure. This is how it always seemed to be ...

"Oh, Mikasa," Eduh laughed, skipping in the breeze. "If you can't already tell, you could never understand!"

The two had already long past any of the small, rounded doors for the hole-like enclosures of the village homes; the jovial smell of roast hen and pipeweed had faded from any recent memory. They were in the muddle of bumfuck.

"Eduh," Mikasa objected as Eduh maneuvered her behind a fallen tree in order to ensure obfuscation from any parties that may have chosen to approach on the road. Eduh joined her soon thereafter and put a finger to his lips, mischief in his eyes. His body tensed with an anticipation Mikasa had not seen since Grisha had invited Eduh into the basement, pants at his ankles.

Mikasa's patience prevailed.

Lo and behold, out rode Gandalf, proudly straddling Shadowfax himself. The mere site, and the whiteness of Gandalf's robes, was overwhelming to the untrained eyes of Mikasa and Eduh, and they both clutched at their faces and screamed in agony and sexual titillation.

Gandalf came forth, bringing Mikasa and Eduh to their knees. And then he spoke: "hark, for I have brought with me a vaccination for Hepatitis C, one I have slaved away for at that blasted science lab for ten years at least. Now humanity's one true predator (OTP) has been eradicated; everyone is saved -"

Suddenly, a giant titan appeared and kicked down the fucking wall! He stepped on Gandalf and squished him like a fucking bug!

The titan proceeded to systematically devour Brent, Justin and Kenny, because it had decided that they deserved to die. Justin died in an especially embarrassing way and everyone laughed at him. Even from the jaws of another titan, Brent laughed.

Eduh knew he had to get revenge. Gandalf had been trying to tell him something; what, he had no idea. But he did know that without the wizard, he had no fireworks. He used his 3D maneuver gear to fly over to the titan and whoop his motherfucking ass, but the titan merely swatted him away as though he were a particularly Amazonian insect, and by this I mean prone to being a winged vector of malaria.

Mikasa started to use her 3DM, but it was defective so she died swiftly, and brutally. Eduh was alone and left to his own defences, which meant he was basically titan mincemeat.

Sensing the vulnerability of Eduh's butthole, even the walls started to reach out for him, growing massive, stony, barbed, bricked penises the length of a football field, at least - and Eduh shrieked in terror, but Armin was useless, and then Eduh was raped. Raped by the walls, raped by the titans, raped by the trusty steed, Sawney. No one even raped Armin because he was blond and was born to a strange line of nobility known for its manufactured line of canned marinara sauce.

Eduh felt his tight teenage butthole being stretched to its limits and screamed disturbing combinations of adjectives and nouns like he was in an X-rated Sasha Grey film. The wall penis would rape him, and ejaculate rubble into his virginal cavern, and then a titan would rape him, and ejaculate a strange crystalline substance. His cavities were so full that it felt like he had gone to Chipotle not 30 minutes earlier. Shallot did not rape him because he is a gentleman.

Eduh was raped mercilessly, and constantly. The titans did not hurt any other civilian because they were so absorbed in the rape, so the citizens of Shiganshina learned to live their daily lives within a certain yardage from the gory spectacle as though nothing had happened. Eduh screamed in utter agony day in, and day out, but eventually Bose headphones were invented and his screams could be quieted very cost efficiently, considering outside noise was cut an average of 80% for each consumer.

It was later discovered that Eduh had incredible powers, powers that could control and potentially harness the titan's power and restore the eternal glory and reign of humanity once again. He could be a hero, if only he wasn't raped so much. But the person who had discovered these special abilities (a rather mousy woman named Hanji) was not granted enough funding to explore Eduh's true potential, so he continued to be the rectal equivalent of a Chinese fingertrap to the titans. (He was now suspended by mouth and anus.)

Humanity continued to live relatively mediocre lives within the walls and nothing interesting ever happened, except for the times Eduh would shriek like a girl as another inch of his rectum prolapsed. They never expanded technologically as a people and were eventually decimated by a strange looking asteroid, which was actually a spaceship with Buzz Aldrin inside. It was very sad.

**THE TITAN'S TWO HOLES**


End file.
